Tuesday, November 29, 2005 |
Yummy Broccoli/Salesmanship at Dinner time
| I've discovered a way to get my kids to eat just about anything I give them at the moment. You see they are at the age where they will believe anything you tell them because you are an adult.
Parents and Teachers alike have been taking advantage of this for centuries, getting in while they can before the kids grow up and realise that they've been spun a whole boat load of crap for so long and they don't have to take it any more. So when I'm asked "what's for dinner?", my answer is always prefixed with the work "yummy". For example; "Daaaaad, what are we having for dinner?" "Yummy chicken and yummy rice" "Yeah yummy!" |
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This also works for things that may not traditionally be as yummy. "Daaaaad, what are we having for dinner?"
"Yummy broccoli and yummy potatoes with yummy chops"
"Yeah yummy!"
What's really interesting is that I heard John Howard will be using this very same tactic to help get his IR Reforms through the Senate.
"Oh Barneby... I've got some very yummy IR legislation for you..."
Tuesday, November 22, 2005 |
OMG Check out the rack on Baby Jesus!!!
However it turns out my Messiah defacing son is not the only person who reckons Jebus looks better with a healthy rack. The picture above is of a seven storey statue in Eureka Springs, Arkansas which clearly shows "Christ the Lord" with a C cup, long flowing hair and a dress or robe. He was supposed to be a bloke right??
N.B. Please note I'm not trying to be blasphemous or insulting. If your faith is not strong enough to cop a small joke, it may be time to take another look at why and what you believe.
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As I searched my son's school bag the other day for uneaten lunches etc... I came across an activity sheet he had been working on. It was from the scripture class that all Public School kids have once a week and I noticed something strange about the picture. It seemed to me that the Baby Jesus had quite the impressive set of breasts!
I asked him (my son not Jebus) what these things were on the picture and his reply, "They're boobies hehehehehe." On the activity sheet it says to "Draw something you could do for one of the people in pictures." Apparently he thought he could give Jebus a little breast augmentation surgery. Well I suppose his birthday is coming up soon. |
However it turns out my Messiah defacing son is not the only person who reckons Jebus looks better with a healthy rack. The picture above is of a seven storey statue in Eureka Springs, Arkansas which clearly shows "Christ the Lord" with a C cup, long flowing hair and a dress or robe. He was supposed to be a bloke right??
N.B. Please note I'm not trying to be blasphemous or insulting. If your faith is not strong enough to cop a small joke, it may be time to take another look at why and what you believe.
Monday, November 21, 2005 |
Friday, November 18, 2005 |
Dobbed in
"Wow"
"Yes and she kept saying naughty words and we could move because there were so many cars. She was a naughty girl wasn't she Daddy?"
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"One day when we were in the car and Mummy was taking us to school we couldn't move for a very long time because there were so many cars"
"Really? When was that?" "It was a couple of days ago and we were very late to school and Mummy was saying lots and lots of swear words" |
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"Wow"
"Yes and she kept saying naughty words and we could move because there were so many cars. She was a naughty girl wasn't she Daddy?"
Monday, November 14, 2005 |
The Counting of the Three. Taming Rouge States and kids in shopping centres.
"And the LORD spake, saying, first shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then, shalt thou count to three. No more, no less. Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, nor either count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, is counted, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who, being naughty in My sight, shall snuff it."
You really have to watch Michael Palin deliver that but in both cases, they can be used very effectively. Use them incorrectly and they can cause a lot more trouble than they fix.
I assume the consequences of improper handgrenade usage are obvious to most people. The results following incorrect use of the magic 1...2...3 tactic however can only be only appreciated by the experienced parent. Basically as with any threat, you have to be willing to back it up or your child is going to very quickly realise you are as toothless as the United Nations no matter what your threaten them with. Get yourself into that situation and your little angels are going to act like Iran or North Korea every time you step out of the house.
"Put that lolly down. We're not buying it today." OR "Stop enriching uranium, you're not allowed to do that."
"Put it down or you're going to be in BIG trouble" OR "Dismantle your nuclear weapons making facilities or we're going to impose sanctions"
"One...twooooo....if I get to three you're in VERY BIG trouble mister....THREE!!" OR (you have to picture Koffi Anan saying this) "One...twooooo...don't make me fly down there and begin bilateral negotiations...THREE!!"
It doesn't really matter what you use to back this up, no ice cream after dinner, sent to their room, Aircraft Carrier parked outside their Capital, just as long as you follow through with it and they know what it is with out having to be told because of what happened to them last time they did it.
Once you have that part down, you can then step up to some more advanced variations of this technique. In fact once you get good enough at it you can stop them in their tracks no matter how many lollies line the shelves with just a look and three fingers held up, slowly counting down to zero.
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What do you think when you hear the phrase one...twooooo...Don't let me get to three...THREE!! Brings back the memories huh?
If you're a parent you've probably already applied this staple of discipline at home, a shopping centre or where ever else your little hellion(s) are causing a scene.
If you're a Monty Python fan, you may associate it with the employment of the Holy Handgrenade of Antioch. This is the classic scene where Brother Maynard reads from the Holy Book of Armaments ; |
You really have to watch Michael Palin deliver that but in both cases, they can be used very effectively. Use them incorrectly and they can cause a lot more trouble than they fix.
I assume the consequences of improper handgrenade usage are obvious to most people. The results following incorrect use of the magic 1...2...3 tactic however can only be only appreciated by the experienced parent. Basically as with any threat, you have to be willing to back it up or your child is going to very quickly realise you are as toothless as the United Nations no matter what your threaten them with. Get yourself into that situation and your little angels are going to act like Iran or North Korea every time you step out of the house.
"Put that lolly down. We're not buying it today." OR "Stop enriching uranium, you're not allowed to do that."
"Put it down or you're going to be in BIG trouble" OR "Dismantle your nuclear weapons making facilities or we're going to impose sanctions"
"One...twooooo....if I get to three you're in VERY BIG trouble mister....THREE!!" OR (you have to picture Koffi Anan saying this) "One...twooooo...don't make me fly down there and begin bilateral negotiations...THREE!!"
It doesn't really matter what you use to back this up, no ice cream after dinner, sent to their room, Aircraft Carrier parked outside their Capital, just as long as you follow through with it and they know what it is with out having to be told because of what happened to them last time they did it.
Once you have that part down, you can then step up to some more advanced variations of this technique. In fact once you get good enough at it you can stop them in their tracks no matter how many lollies line the shelves with just a look and three fingers held up, slowly counting down to zero.
Monday, November 07, 2005 |
You're in it Dad
"Dad that ring on your finger means you love Mummy."
"Yes it does."
"I sure am boy. I sure am"
"Dad that ring on your finger means you love Mummy."
"Yes it does."
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"And Dad, that ring means you're in love with mummy."
"It sure does." "And that means you're in it. It means you're right in it." | 
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Saturday, November 05, 2005 |
My son grabs bums at the Supermarket
My son has started up quite an embarrassing habit in the Supermarket. While he's sitting in the trolley or standing on the front of it, he's started to hold out his hand as we go up and down the aisles.
Normally this would not really be a problem except he doesn't care what his hand happens to come in contact with. Maybe he'll grab some fabric softener, maybe he'll grab some tomato sauce, or just maybe he'll grab some women's ass as she searches the bottom shelf for a long lost can of tuna.
This has happened a few times now and each time I'm left not knowing what to do. Obviously my first priority is to convince this woman that it wasn't me! I found out pretty quickly that a wink and the line "If it was me you would have known about it" doesn't produce the desired result. So I'm forced to resort to some sort of pathetic pleading to convince her it was my son and not me like someone's Dad blaming the dog for a fart.
Fortunately so far I haven't been slapped.
My son has started up quite an embarrassing habit in the Supermarket. While he's sitting in the trolley or standing on the front of it, he's started to hold out his hand as we go up and down the aisles.
Normally this would not really be a problem except he doesn't care what his hand happens to come in contact with. Maybe he'll grab some fabric softener, maybe he'll grab some tomato sauce, or just maybe he'll grab some women's ass as she searches the bottom shelf for a long lost can of tuna.
This has happened a few times now and each time I'm left not knowing what to do. Obviously my first priority is to convince this woman that it wasn't me! I found out pretty quickly that a wink and the line "If it was me you would have known about it" doesn't produce the desired result. So I'm forced to resort to some sort of pathetic pleading to convince her it was my son and not me like someone's Dad blaming the dog for a fart.
Fortunately so far I haven't been slapped.
