Tuesday, November 30, 2004 |
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If you walked into a Public Toilet and saw some guy with his face pressed up against the crack in the door of one of the cubicles, what would your first reaction be?
"What the!?..." "Why did I choose today to leave my mace and stun gun at home?" or of course "Wow what's George Michael doing here?" When little kids need to use Public Toilets this is sometimes what happens. Taking a wizz is no problem. In fact it's all a lot of fun. In the words of George Castanza "Isn't it more fun to use the urinal?" It sure is. I can remember back in the day where the Coffs Harbour R.S.L had a urinal that was about 20m long. |
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If me and the boys need to go at the same time, we'll all line up together looking like some sort of cheeky postcard. This is especially true as they don't yet understand that you don't need to pull your pants all the way down just to take a wizz.
But when there's a Poo'n' that needs Do'n', it's a bit of a different story. The boys are a little bit too old to go into the Women's with Mum so I get the toilet duty whenever we are out and if "the turtle is poking his head out" we can't wait until we get home.
The whole procedure goes a little something like this. First I'll take a look inside the cubicle to make sure it is a clean as a public toilet gets, make sure there are no sharps or anything like that in there and that the dunny roll is sufficiently stocked.
Then the little man is sent in and they ALWAYS feel the need to lock the door. They don't really care who sees them with their pants around their ankles, dangling their feet over the front of an adult size toilet, they just like playing with things.
Then the waiting game begins...
I'm left standing out the front of the cubicle like some sort of casually dressed Bathroom Attendant waiting for a flush and an "I'm finished dad". But when a few minutes have passed and the flush doesn't come or the triumphant call has not been made, I have to check in to see everything is OK.
Unfortunately the only real way I can do this is by peering through the crack between the frame and the door to make sure he hasn't fallen in or he's not playing with a syringe that my earlier inspection might have missed. And of course it's this time that someone else happens to walk into the toilet and sees me watching what's going on in one of the cubicles.
Whilst it's never funny at the time, thinking about the reactions of the guys seeing me do this is quite funny to ponder a few hours later. Some of them don't notice or don't care. Some of them are quite disgusted and walk out, not wanting to witness what might be some sort of bizarre homosexual spectacle.
But thankfully none of them have seen me peering into the cubicle and thought they come and have a look as well.
So next time you walk into a public toilet and you see some weirdo trying to watch what's happening on the other side of the partition, it'll either be me or George Michael so say hello.
P.S. If there is an entourage of Police waiting out the front, it's probably George and not me.
Monday, November 29, 2004 |
The party was a complete success and amazingly did not involve anyone suffering heat stroke.
Just like the average age in a wanky inner city Wine Bar, the temperature steadily rose into the high 30's. This made being outside only slightly better than the screaming and shrieking bouncing off the walls inside. At least it wasn't raining like most of our other parties.
Friday night saw us frantically planning for the next day's festivities until quite late. You would be surprised how much thought has to go into those little lolly bags you get at the end of the party.
You have to make sure no one is allergic to nuts or you can't put chocolate in there. You have to check who has little brothers and sisters that might choke on small things or you can't put toys or smarties in there. You have to check that every bag has exactly the same amount of stuff in it or there could be massive fights on the way home for anyone bringing more than 1 child to the party and most importantly you have to have Emergency Lolly Bags (No I'm not talking about a spare pair of Speedos here) in case you have mis counted the people coming or someone brings a brother or sister you weren't expecting.
But the one thing you have to get right even if nothing else is done right is Pass the Parcel.
Until you give it a go for the first time yourself, you have no idea what you are up for.
The first tip I'll give anyone who is contemplating a kids party is to use a Broad Sheet Newspaper like the Sydney Morning Herald, The Age or the Courier Mail. If you try to get out it by using the local paper or a Tabliod like the Telegraph, you will find that by the time you have a dozen or so layers on that bugger, it won't wrap up anymore. It's also a good idea for children to avoid any unnecessary exposure to the Daily Telegraph.
The second piece of advice I would give to any prospective party planner is that you need two people to control Pass the Parcel. Of course you need one person on the music but you also need a much more covert person to play the part of spotter. Skimp in this area by trying to get away with just "Mister Music" and you won't get past 5 layers of the parcel before things get ugly.
I hate to burst your bubble but Pass the Parcel is not as random as you might have thought it was when you were growing up. In actual fact it is a highly political game complete with crying and dirty tricks. It's not just a simple matter of making sure you have wrapped an equal number of layers into the parcel for each kid and then making sure each kid gets at least one go at unwrapping the parcel.
As you will see once the game begins, everyone is happy and excited. They see the first two or three kids open the parcel and find a chocolate or a toy inside and they can't wait until it's their turn to unwrap it. Then the parcel gets back around to them but the music doesn't stop. It might stop for the person next to them or the person just before them instead.
After about 4 turns of unwrapping, the tears will start to flow and the dirty tricks start to come into play. This is where you need your covert spotter to help you determine who "needs" to have the next turn. It's the spotter's role to carefully judge the emotional state of not only the children in that expectant little circle but also their parents.
It's a simple case of the squeaky wheel gets the grease or in this case chocolate. What's funny is that it might not be the child who is whinging but possibly the parent sitting behind them with an obvious "Don't worry little Johnny, you'll get a turn soon".
Then the kids will start to employ tactics of their own. Passing it quicker so it goes past them more times, passing it very, very slowly so they hold onto it longer or sometimes pretending they heard the music stop and beginning to open it.
Little do they know that every pass the parcel game is as rigged as any Ukrainian election.
Friday, November 26, 2004 |
They're coming...
Thursday, November 25, 2004 |
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It's now about T minus 48hrs until the house will be filled with the shrieks, cries and sugar induced craziness of 3 and 4 year olds.
My youngest boy is turning 3 tomorrow and his obligatory party is Saturday. It's coming has been like the countdown to Santa’s arrival, "Only two more sleeps until my party!" As anyone who has been to one of these before could tell you, there is no accurate way to describe what you are up for until you experiernce it for the first time. |
Then someone starts to get an indication that something might be about to happen. The announcement goes out that the first kids have started to arrive but everything is still under control. The floor is still relatively free of soft drink and lolly snakes while the clouds that seem to loom over our house have yet to release their outdoors inhibiting rain.
After a while things start get a little wilder though manageable as more kids and their parents arrive.
But then it happens. The party reaches critical mass. For 3 and 4 year olds this is approximately 7 or 8 kids.
It's at this point that the screaming, shrieking and crying begins. But wait there's more. If you have girls attending the party, we'll also throw in some glass shattering squealing that only girls can produce. Mix this with about half a kilogram of lollies per child and you have an uncontrollable bedlam that swarms around the house, the backyard and anywhere else they can get their sticky, chocolate covers fingers into.
Once the party reaches this stage there is only one thing that will stop them. All of your cries for peace and your shouts for calm will surely go unheeded until you bring out the birthday cake.
I don't know why it is, maybe it's the hypnotic effect of the candles or maybe the promise of yet more sugar to further fuel their psychotic rampaging but the sight of that cake emerging from the kitchen will stop them cold.
Well at least for the 2 mins it takes to sing "Happy Birthday" and collect their slice of cake.
So as you're taking it easy this Saturday morning, sitting back drinking your second cup of coffee or sorting through the 10 kilos of Saturday morning paper to decide which 6 pages you actually want to read, think of me and what I'll be going through.
I'll be the one you see on Saturday afternoon walking around Woollies in a daze looking for something that will get semi digested red lolly snakes out of the curtains and the carpet and the cat's tail.
Tuesday, November 23, 2004 |
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It's funny watching back all the movies you used to watch over and over as a kid.
The other night me and the boys sat down to watch The Wizard of Oz for the first time. It was very similar to their first time watching Star Wars where they were constantly asking questions for the first 15 mins. And let's face it, there is some pretty funky stuff in this movie. "Dad, why is Monkey Blue? "Dad, why is the Monkey Flying? "Dad, why is that lady with the big black hat green?" "Dad, why does the Tin Man sound like he lives in Newtown?" |
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You also pick up all the stuff they put in for adults, which kids would not even know, is there. For example, when they reach the Emerald City and the Door Guard greets them, it is actually the Wizard in disguise. And when they get in the Cab lead by the "Horse of a different colour", it is being driven by the Wizard in another disguise and lastly, the guard to the Wizard's room is also the Wizard in disguise.
This was pretty similar to when we watched Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory recently. Gene WIlder is actually pretty good in the role but you never notice stuff like that when you are 8.
Monday, November 22, 2004 |
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Waiting at the Arrivals Gate of Sydney Airport yesterday with my two boys, I notice that the women standing next to me seems a little familiar.
Where have I seen her before? I turn around again to try and place her but she just gives me a polite smile and says nothing. Then after a few more minutes, she says to little boy she is battling with; |
A sense of parental pride washes over me. It's not often my boys are used as a public example on how to behave. So then I'm just about to turn around and ask her where I know her from when out through the arrivals gate ambles the guy she and her little boy are here to pick up.
It's Shannon Noll.
Ah so that's where I've seen her before. I've been standing next to Shannon Noll's wife for 30 mins.
I assume he was coming for the Australian Idol Final that was on last night. Did anyone else get the irony of Channel 7 playing the Wizard of Oz the night before the final? Oz of course containing Munchkins of questionable sexuality and Wicked Witches.
But it's good to know that my boys are better behaved that Shannon Noll's. It's also good to see that Aussie music stars don't travel around with a massive entourage of hangers on and Yes Men like a lot of Americans do.
P.S. U2's new album comes out today, if anyone accidently buys two of them, please feel free to sling one my way.
Thursday, November 18, 2004 |
I get to stay home and watch the 1st Test against New Zealand while everyone else has to go to work and watch the Baggy Green desktop score board tick over.
So in my best Nelson Muntz accent "Ha ha"
Wednesday, November 17, 2004 |
This is the excuse given by the Croatian Catholic Church when they found out about the scandal involving one of their Priests.
Apparently Josip Stefancic, known as "The Sheriff" in his local parish, went on a drunken rampage in downtown Slunj that ended up with him being arrested after he crashed his car into a tree.
Witness reports indicate that Stefancic hit the bottle big time before getting into a argument members of his Parish, beating the crap out of a few of them up and then to top it off, pulling out a rifle and threatened to kill them everyone.
But of course it wasn't all his fault. The Slunj region's bishop, Mile Bogovic, explained;
"Stefancic did not act alone. The wine was with him,"
Croatia's Catholic Priests aren't too happy about the new zero-tolerance drink-driving law either, arguing that they have to imbibe wine as part of their work.
Yeah sure
Tuesday, November 16, 2004 |
Now you can share the joys of commuting to work on the train with the whole family.
Note: Drunken incoherent slobs, Hungry Jacks wrappers and broken air conditioning not included.
Monday, November 15, 2004 |
So my wife has been whisked off on a work junket to USA for a week. This is the third time she has been overseas.
Where's the justice?!
So far she's been sent to Auckland, London and now Denver while I get sent to Redfern.
At least she always comes back with a couple of litres of duty free alcohol.
Hmmmm Scotch ...
Friday, November 12, 2004 |
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I have been of two minds on this issue for quite a while but before I go any further let me say three things.
First of all, I may be misinformed on some of the things below so PLEASE tell me if something I have said is factually wrong. Secondly, I am a twenty something(just!) married guy with all my hair and an athletic build that owns two properties. So the level of discrimination and disadvantage I have met in my life is most likely between bugger all and none. Therefore my point of view may be a little skewed because of this. Thirdly, I'd also like to say that I am vehemently against discrimination based on race, age, sex, religion, disability, sexuality etc... |
Reading an article in today's Sydney Morning Herald(I think you might have to be registered with the Herald or the AGE to read it) got me thinking about this topic again.
It talks about how the Government is thinking about placing conditions on the special welfare handouts given to Aboriginals. Conditions such as their Parenting payments being subject to the children attending school, having health checkups and even more controversially, instead of just handing them cash in the bank, giving them a smart card so the money can't be spent on alcohol.
Now acting Race Discrimination Commissioner, Tom Calma, said;
"he would be deeply concerned if conditions were to be introduced placing restrictions on access to services for one part of the community defined by race.
but he obviously is not concerned in the least bit that these same people receive these benefits simply because of their race. They are not means tested and no one else no matter how needy has access to these payments unless you are Aboriginal.
So my problem with this is that people who feel like they are discriminated against say they simply want to be treated just like everyone else. But what's the deal with these payments when everybody else does not get them?
This is something that Pauline Hanson gained a lot of support over when she wanted to abolish a lot of this discrimination based on race. But I don't think it's that simple.
It is possible that reverse discrimination has a place. For example Aboriginal people can get A LOT of assistance in getting a place at Uni including a GREATLY reduced TER requirement and financial assistance that is not means tested. This may seem unfair to non Aboriginal people but what it does is increase the numbers of Aboriginals in Tertiary Education and makes a dent in the cycle of poverty that often exists their community.
It also serves to increase their profile and status amongst their peers and family, which may influence others to do the same. This can only be good for everyone and in the long term save and earn the country a lot of money.
The Labour Party's quota of women parliamentarians is another example of this. Whilst it goes against the basic principle of putting the best possible person in the job, it does promote women in politics, which is something we need a lot more of. Amanda Vanstone and Bronwyn Bishop not withstanding.
So I think at the moment I have the view that there might be a place for reverse discrimination in some cases however that should not be extended to financial payments.
No one should receive money simply because they are or are not a particular race and ANY Government payments should be means tested.
If you are in need and are ready to help yourself, you receive that help. You should not receive payment wether you need it or not because of your race and conversely you should not be denied payment when needed because of your race.
Thursday, November 11, 2004 |
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It's time to acknowledge a couple of sites that appear in my referrals daily or ones I have been reading daily.
In no particular order... Stilt over at Balmian Boys Do Cry is a site I have been enjoying and I definitely welcome stilt's comments on my mine. Check out today’s interesting article on Council Stupidity. Dirk Thruster who looks after Arm The Insane is someone else I have been reading. Today he's got some cool stuff on the stupidity of Greenies. |
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And last but not least is Russ from The Daily Yak.Russ is a fellow House Husband from the US or as they call it over there Stay-At-Home-Dad.
P.S. Today is Rememberance Day. Thankyou to all the Diggers who gave their lives that we may live as we do.
Wednesday, November 10, 2004 |
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Even so, there is very good news in that everyone's favourite tubsy spinner is available for the First Test against the Kiwis.
According to the Sydney Morning Herald today, MacGill will once again be relegated to his familiar position of drinks carrier at best since Warnie is now "fit" for selection. MacGill must be getting quite the callous from pushing that cart so often. "Although it was sore, the pain settled down very quickly and he has managed it mainly with ice and a compression bandage," Australian team doctor Trevor James said of Warne's thumb. "He's available for the Test." |
In other cricket news, it appears that Melbourne has suffered even more rain than usual and have put the Telstra Dome on notice that the Boxing Day Test maybe shifting to their place.
Apparently, all this recent rain has delayed work on preparing the surface and left the MCG looking like a 100,000 seat mud wrestling arena. (Note to self: Approach the MCG Trust about hosting a massive mud wrestling event. Crowd participation encouraged)
"There's no panic stations yet, the wicket to be used in the Test is currently being prepared indoors and will be dropped in, while the new turf was ready to be rolled out, the spokesman said. A Cricket Australia spokesman said there were no concerns over possible delays and that Ware's team had a "really good record of delivering for the Boxing Day Test".
Tuesday, November 09, 2004 |
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I'm now back working in lovely Redfern 1 day a week instead of being chained to the office in the CBD.
Now even though my office window overlooks Darling Harbour and I am 2 mins walk from all the shops and things there are to do in the CBD of Sydney, I would still rather be in Redfern. Sure you have to look over your shoulder every 10 metres you walk to confirm there is no one sneaking up behind you to head hit you over the head or stab you, it's still better than the CBD. Nothing gets you going in the morning like a brisk walk away from Redfern Train Station (pictured) or the brisk walk past the Early Opener and the 8am drunks already propping themselves up with the bar. |
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Monday, November 08, 2004 |
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Out to dinner with my wife and her parents on the weekend, I tasted the red wine and thought that it might have been a little off.
I passed it over for my Mother-in-Law to try as she is quite knowledgeable on the subject. "Could you tell me if this wine is corked?" "No it's a Shiraz" "Oh I see." |
Friday, November 05, 2004 |
Since it's Friday and I and everyone is lazy on Fridays, I thought why not just use something else I had already writen and stick it up here
So here is some of the Science News I did for my Radio Show this week.
Did I hear someone say Bat groupies?
No I’m not talking about the kind that Adam West and Burt Ward had back in the late 60’s. Biologists from the University of Maryland have discovered that the males of some species of bats actually have female groupies.
In a study recently published in the journal Animal Behaviour, biologists from the University studied the songs and other sounds made by the Greater White-Lined bats found on the island of Trinidad in the West Indies.
They found that the more complex the love songs of the white-lined or as we’ve been calling them the Barry White-lined bats, the more females that hang around their territory. And of course just like with the groupies of human singers, we all know what happens next.
While were on the subject,
An Australian paper published in a Royal Society of London Journal has shown that some coral reef fish do not grow up until they find a mate.
What’s more, a juvenile fish will change sex according to the sex of its mate.
The study out of James Cook University looked at the Gobi and found that these fish would not mature until they found a mate. But it turns out they aren’t very picky. As the saying goes as long as its warm and moving.
Jean-Paul Hobbs from James Cook, believes this evolved from the predator rich environment the Gobis live in. It is very dangerous to swim around the reef in search of a life partner so when ever a young Gobi happens to run into another Gobi, that’s just who they choose. And if it turns out that they’re both the same sex, well the younger one simply changes.
Thursday, November 04, 2004 |
I had no particular view on who should win either the Australian or American elections however it seems to me that the silent majority has spoken.
I wonder if this is a bit of a trend we will see going on for decades to come? I think as people get older, they become more conservative and since we have an aging population, are we in for a record stint for the Liberal and Republican parties?
I suppose we'll have to wait another 3 years to find out.
Wednesday, November 03, 2004 |
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And the Lord spake saying;
"Let an extra hour of sunlight bathe the earth in the months from November to March. And let the kiddies play of cricket and soccer and footy in this bounty of light while the elders ponder and drink of Ale around the BBQ and the women prepare salads." "Except in Queensland where I have yet to forgive those bastards for electing Jo Bjelke-Petersen." Along with the sounds of cicadas in the evening and the smell of distant BBQs, nothing heralds the onset of summer like the start of Daylight Savings. |
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To these people I have a simple solution. We all remember how many days are in each month by saying that little poem 30 days has September, April, June and November etc... but there is also a good one for remembering how to set your clocks to Daylight Savings Time.
A lot of people would know it already but for the rest it goes;
"Ahh Queensland... 1 hour and ten years behind the rest of Australia"
Therefore we wind our clocks forward 1hr every November.
Tuesday, November 02, 2004 |
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Now whilst it could already be said that the first Tuesday in November is already just a big drinking game after 12pm, I have found a way to get even more booze into you.
This simple to play drinking game only requires a couple of beers or wine glasses each, a television and a designated driver. Turn on the Channel Australian Idol coverage from 12pm and every time you hear Tim Webster, Tim Bailey, Mike Webster or Sandra Sully say the phrase "the race that stops a nation" you have to skull a drink. |
Monday, November 01, 2004 |
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Who can remember the back in the day when the object of the coolest game out there was to get an Italian guy to jump over a couple barrels being hurled at him by a gorilla sitting on top of a building site?
Back when the best way to impress your friends was to triumphantly display the hand held multi screen you had just "clocked". Yes I had Donkey Kong and my friends had such other Nintendo Game & Watch classics as Oil Panic, Fire, and Green House. My cousin had Donkey Kong II and I think one of my other cousins had Donkey Kong Jr. |
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For some stupid reason I did not think to check eBay and to my surprise I found them all over the place.
Around $50 will send you back to the 80's minus the crap music and the ridiculous hair. But say you don't want to pay $50 for a game some kid probably played while picking his nose?
Here's the next best thing. The other day I found this online version of Donkey Kong Jr. which is so true to the original, you'll swear you hear Australia winning the America's Cup or Carl Lewis winning his 6th Gold medal in the Los Angeles Olympics in the background.
But be warned! Playing this game at work could lead to doing no other work for the rest of the day, week or month.
